20220627


The power just went down a few minutes ago. What better occasion to get my morning stretching and journaling done.

I spent the majority of the weekend on 4 things:
- workout
- getting things done around the house
- crafting
- thinking about my mom
It felt great to connect with some new and old friends, to just talk freely and enjoy the moment. these were not the filosophically deepest conversations, and that did feel good. I notice I still overthink my life a lot. I worry less but I do still over analyse and try to please others way too much.
Getting things done around the house is surely a strategy for grief and anxiety that I learned from my dad. It is a way for me to clearly invest in myself and my nests without going in deep contemplation. Getting my robo mon R2 running in the garden was a lot of work. And I get super giddy when I see him driving around.

I finally took some time to hang up a few pictures I bought months ago. with the plants, the pictures, the cleanup, our living room really feels like a living space that brings me peace and smiles.

While cleaning up my crafting table last Thursday I only kept my WIP projects on there that I really intended to work on in the weekend.That was an excellent choice, it worked liberating and inspired me to experiment and just-have fun painting and building. It's time for airbrushing again, some more experiments.

Today 1 year ago I got the call from my dad around 14:00. We were just arriving back home from a bike ride. The moment I saw the call, I knew what it meant. The moment we had been dreading and also hoping for. My mom's suffering was over and she had found her eternal rest. June has been rough, last yeas as well as this year. It was about spending time with my mom. Last year it was about being with her in her last days. to remember the past, celebrate warm memories, sharing crazy stories and being in the present with her everlasting humor. this year June was also dedicated to her: her strength, compassion, energy, humor and appreciation. I realise that her passing changed me and my life will never be the same again. And that is painful and also very natural.

I will never be able again to have a conversation with her like before, to just call her and tell her things and listen to her telling stories. That hurts, it's a fundamental shift in my reality. And nothing can ever replace that no matter how the people around me tell me how she will always be with me in my heart and memories. And they are right. I do see her in the plants I have, I hear her in the leaves of the trees and in the songs the birds are singing. I feel her when I am helping Manon to study and when I listen to Aidan tell a story.