Flow is not always positive

Most of you that know me, know I am professionally active within Co-learning as a business coach and trainer. One of the things I help companies with is to improve their “flow”. Which is a cool term for the way work moves from idea/request to solution/answer. So I help teams and organisations to optimise this flow. So that is pretty cool actually!

The flow I am talking about in this post is the (nearly endless) flow of thoughts, potential decisions and possible actions that rain down on me. It feels like my head is continuously “flowing”. I am so incredibly grateful that I have the luxury of having these choices, that I get to make these decisions. It is a blessing that I have so much “control” over how my life plays out. Yet, as of lately it has turned into a bit of a curse again as well. It feels like there is no escape, I can’t find a way to switch off this internal radio for more than a few minutes. And as soon as it comes back, it feels it’s coming back with increased force.

I know different techniques, frameworks, models that should be able to help me. I have tried things ranging from group meditation, online yoga, headspace (personal meditation); I am part of an amazing online community of people with an intent to live their life out of personal responsibility; and nothing sticks. It’s not that I don’t know what to do, it’s not even that some of these good intentions – possible actions are vague and far away. I know which changes I need to make to my diet so that I would feel better for instance. I do know a thing or two about physical training to get me in better shape and hence help me to feel better. Music works therapeutically and still I don’t play that often.

I know my inner saboteur is strong, but this is becoming ridiculous. I have another appointment with my personal coach next week, yet I know I have the power and the knowledge to make the necessary changes. So I wonder why I don’t “just do it”. Why can’t I dance with my ego, my thoughts? How did I get from being “Mr. Optimist” (thanks bro for giving me this wonderful memory) to being engulfed by destructive thoughts, aggressive feelings and despair?

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I enjoyed last weekend’s boombal festival enormously. There’s nothing more distracting and in that way mind soothing than listening to live music from passionate musicians. It was very emotional to be able to dance with my almost 8-year old daughter to her favourite folk song of the moment (for people that have spotify) and afterwards getting this song dedicated to her while she was standing on the side of the stage and getting an applause and cheers from all 500-600 dancers there. You could see her glistening. Even writing about it now, makes me feel so touched.

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Thanks for reading my ramblings here. I know I will be ok and I’ll get through it. I am surrounded by some of the most beautiful humans on this planet. So there again I am privileged and blessed. There are so many shining beacons of light in my life. Maybe writing about them here, gives me a good opportunity to consider them a bit more.

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